Idiots Guide to the Election

WORTHING Anarchists have produced an Idiots Guide to the Election - yep, that’s right, your authoritative guide to the idiots who want you to vote for them....

ADRIAN ARSEHOLE (Constipation Party). Adrian has worked in a range of financial institutions in the City and is widely respected as “a complete and utter banker”. A Senior Fellow of the Institute of Tax Avoidance, he owns a second home in the Cayman Islands, manages an offshore hedge fund, is a consultant to a leading global healthcare corporation and describes himself as ‘a man of the people’. His great uncle Sir Algernon Arsehole was Worthing MP for the same party in the 1930s and Adrian says: “People keep telling me this is just what the town really needs – another Tory Arsehole representing Worthing in the House of Commons.”

DICK SEAMAN (Lobotomised Dullotwat). Says Dick: “I have a unique selling point in this election – my policies are exactly the same as those of all the other political parties! And I can absolutely guarantee that getting me elected would make absolutely no difference to anything at all – apart from my personal bank account, of course! Ha, ha!” An upstanding member of the community, Dick says his aim is to inject a bit of spunk into the election campaign. He is currently studying for a PhD in Higher Masturbationary Studies. He was raised in Staines.

LAVINIA IMBECILE-THONG (Labor LiteTM) Lavinia, aged 14 and a half, was born in Switzerland and Dubai, and is currently a student at Upper Cheldean College for Nauseatingly Self-Confident Young Heiresses. Her ambition is to become a world-famous political leader and best-selling diarist, flit around the world in some style, fall in love with a darling prince and rear pheasants in Gloucestershire. She says: “I visited you people in Worthington-On-Sea once and I really really related to all the lovely voters, even the rather poor and shabby ones, actually.”

EDDIE SCROTE (British Nonce Party) Eddie, who lives in a converted sewer under Lancing Industrial Estate, says the trouble with this country is it has been taken over by the Nig-Nogs. “Look at them,” he says. “Brown, Blair, Cameron, all those bleedin’ bankers. Not a white face among them! Send ’em back to bongo-bongo land where they come from, that’s what I say!” Eddie, who was born in Johannesburg in what he fondly remembers as ‘the good old days’, enjoys rallying, particularly in the Nuremberg area of Germany, and is a keen amateur paedophile.

Or, alternatively, you could always...

VOTE NOBODY!

because...

NOBODY listens!
NOBODY cares!
NOBODY has your best interests at heart!